where the yippies run free

2600hz @ 2009-11-27T22:12:00

2009-11-28T03:12:46Z

somtimes vacations are tooooo long.

2600hz @ 2009-11-24T23:12:00

2009-11-25T04:12:43Z

So

I'm really infatuated with this girl i met about a month ago she is amazing but our mutual spaciness is frustrating, and my grasp of subtelty and oversll romantic shyness is also complicating things
I just want to roll up in some sort of cosmic burrito with you, or share the spaces between spaces
I want to take out your mind and examine every facet, and notice the similarities therein
I really see no arguments from my side, i wonder how you feel

I desire, therefore im causing suffering, i need to want more and know less

i know deep down you like me
but i need some clarity
but i can't succumb to washing the situation
my resolution knob is stuck

there is somthing i need to do, but i have to wait, this is going to be one of those good pains though
like after dancing all night or spending time with afa

i want knothing but to get to know you, although i feel i have a good grasp already

i will be on the emiter and you can be the collector, lets just hope that somone sets the base high,

sometimes i wonder, do you think of me as often as i think of you, but i dont know that i have no way of knowing that
i just have to know it
in pure blind faith
i have to succumb

I want to share with you glances that in that moment seem like forever, in which infinite amounts of information are exchanged, but for all of that only smiles are returned

I have an urge for a cute adorable relationship, with stuffed animals and hugs and naps
for long talks
and mind melding
i want to share the mutual veiw of the world with you

because a pattern on the wall is part of me and its on you, its meant to happen.

I know it

2600hz @ 2009-11-06T00:16:00

2009-11-06T05:16:17Z

dont worry man i got this.

2600hz @ 2009-11-05T10:57:00

2009-11-05T16:12:06Z

yesterday was odd, i didn't feel like my timing was on. i was having a lot of premonitions about who i would run into and when, which is ok... it happens a lot, i feel like ive just been insanely vibey lately and everything is going well, minus a few things for school. I had an amazing time at cosm.

so i met this girl a little over a week ago, and honestly, she's incredible. I don't have any desire to be worshiping her or anything because thats just creepy, but everything she has said in conversation with me is intelligent, i feel like its someone at URI who gets me, i mean there are others here who have some understanding, but our interests are so similar, and she is just a sweetheart, im just concerned about coming off as strange, even though she is an oddity in and of herself, so i don't understand what i should be concerned about anything its just in the wastland between friendship and hopefully something more, sometimes i feel like my lack of experience leads to a lack of confidence at times. Oh well, i just have to keep the faith about this whole situation and let it pass into fruition

relationships are like plants man, you have to nurture them and let them grow.

this whole self doubt thing is bullshit, i just need to get my cockles out puff out my chest and know somewhere deep inside that im the best, atleast in this situation.

I'm just going to be open though, since meeting her my like animalistic physical libido has changed quite a bit
it used to be some sort of unsatisfied mechanical behemoth, you know alot of hooks chains and gears, with a full tank of gas, and now i just feel childlike and exploratory. i just want to explore, and be like a little kid, be nervous be awkward, It happens to all of us.

it comes down to if it doesn't work out at least i made an awesome friend, but i can do that no problem.
i'm done with that, now is the time.

a sorceress of the last age of ragnarok

2009-11-03T06:13:20Z

there is a Persian rug on the wall, it is static temporally transient some sort of cosmic message in the light of the fact that she already likes radiohead like a newborn you are blind, mailable quartz akin to a pane of glass on a broken home your infantile intentions show the ego of a dollar bill the rug is placed in the closet the family has left the necklace is gone the mechanical horrors make beautiful music in the mist of the nightshade forest in caring a sister is born, the drip remains flowing in the aural plane and with the sea bee's we find clarity the newborn sister with the mind of the ancients procedes on till past the hours where violet velvet becomes the flesh of citrus the corner of the rug makes an apearance passing not into the periphery in the advent of a simple rain, the wafts of fluid passes into the velvet once more two souls know in past lives cross, the pins are set the bolt seperates time compression seconds later the entities realise the connection data streams from the archives of days forgotten the cosmic mainframe from the ages before ages hums to life now is the time the souls find solice in the respective essence of the others conciousness selfless and polite the door shuts and a new room is open, within the chamber lies a cornucopia of pineapple the inner universe is 300 miles away yet one soul has already taken the journey leading the other on the way mutual knolege is obtained fredia carlo eats eggs and mushrooms with strangers the child forces the metal puzzle opening it yet making the joy he has unusable and is unable to reasemble the clown sees the foolishness therein letting the rings seperate themselfes metting with death the clown finds his innerspring welling with ambrosia the sorceress is transmuting heartstrings into golden threads the child dosent understand the threads yet is playing with stones the velvet turns to gold as death waves the travlers goodbye and alcie wanders back though the looking glass the sorceress sees the joy of the clown; the clown finds inordinate beauty in the sorceresses skill, a respect for each digging within Gabriell horn they find the volume of golden thread leaving the child behind with a kiss on the cheek, there comes a point when the bird is kicked from the nest panic learn fast or perish the clown is no fool and observes like a dormouse joyfull he is the rug is placed out again on the shoelss floor of a covered mind its combustion joy uncanny fear is the mind killer

Mirror

2009-10-26T14:15:42Z

So though a random encounter i met a girl that is pretty incredible, its like talking to a female version of myself, down to just about every little facet of my and her life...... Holy shit. thats all i can say. its amazing, here at URI to meet someone like this...

basicly, things are going well and looking up.

2600hz @ 2009-09-20T00:18:00

2009-09-20T04:18:47Z

i feel kinda lonely, just thought i would let you all know.

smile, it makes you far more attractive.

2009-09-15T17:14:07Z

well, i cant make you love me if you don't, friendships an option too. otherwise im not going to wait for you, i know inherently that i am a wondefull person deserving of love, i guess you don't see that, i guess its for the best, sometimes two people reside on different planes, i guess your not on mine.

I dont want to hurt anyone though love ,affection, or physical intimacy, to all of you whom i have, im sorry it was sincere, in whichever moment it was...

this is an apology and a statement
take all of me, or dont--i dont care, its what makes you happy, even if you aren't.

don't worry and dont panic.
be here now, because its all that there is and ever will be.

missing

2009-08-11T15:52:47Z

I met you in the strangest of circumstances
there was us, the other members of the magic endured in the tent
in that moment there was only the tent
i would look at you and smile
you would laugh
i would laugh-it became cyclical
my soul rejoiced
it was if i had known you for years although all we shared was smiles and laughter
although there was occasional speech
talking was unnecessary
i recived your embrace before i left
hopefully i will find you
in the future
whenever that may be
i dearly hope you remeber me
whenever our paths cross again

i wish i had someway to contact you.

damn it

2600hz @ 2009-07-21T19:50:00

2009-07-21T23:53:33Z

i saw the cutest girl on the bus today with a sponge-bob backpack and a penguin plush purse... oh my god.

alchohol

2009-07-21T18:54:53Z

is stupid. just thought i would let you know that.

also, girls are pretty awesome, wish i knew some cool ones(minus the ones I already know)

had to run for the bus today and steped in a puddle, the guy didnt stop, could have been worse, but what a dbag

dimentional seperation

2009-06-24T22:02:19Z

so, sometimes i fall asleep, but i don't meant too. its not anything new.
but sometimes i wonder if im just separating myself. going into another plane. there's always something there for me when i fall asleep. a world that is different from the one that i currently write this in i was always curious about that when i was a young child, how we just dream and its like another world. i mean its a bit cliche with the matrix and all those cliche stoner philosophies... but fuck it. i don't know when i fall asleep, i just know that im sleeping and wake up. i don't remember the last time i remember involuntarily falling asleep i just know that it happens all the time. and i hit rem immediately but never remeber the world behind closed eyelids... its strange, yet quite enjoyable....

outdorr on friday!

rave's- they are water for my soil

2009-06-03T00:47:02Z

the rave scene has enriched me. i love my friends that ive met there, not that i love any of you other guys any less. but this scene, this tribe, this life. its just freaking awsome, im learning to help another is to help ones self, that minus all our collective fuckups we are still ok. we are people after all. ive learned that in just meeting someone you can have a horrible understanding of each other. i love life, i love my friends, and i love EDM. in this moment i am happy.

also massages make me really happy, and i make silly faces-sorry if i creeped you out amanda, i was just happy that is all nothing more, absolutely nothing more.

lets get ready gor the next pow-wow

also mixing is great but i cant help butt piss off the neigbors

strange days

2009-05-25T04:46:50Z

so today was strange...

I got up at five in the AM after going to bootsy and franks apartment, which was nice i guess i dont really like some of my friends drunk though, and dont like drinking, but i did anyway.

I feel jaded by the amount of fun and sense of belonging that raving has given me, thanks all you guys, i sincerely love all of you kids so much you guys make me so happy, that i can just be me and not worry about anything.

so i realized i left my sweatshirt there, grabbed it and hung with Shane, after not sleeping well the night before.

walked back and then found out / remembered brooksy and Nicole were having a housewarming party.

went there

had an odd sense someone was pissed at me, im sorry if i did somthing to offend you.

got really down about my current state (school, smoking, lifestyle in general, lack of best friend and such, general sense of loneliness)

i cannot eat refined sugar anymore, it makes me depressed, horribly depressed.

i realized that my favorite record(electronic at least) has a sample from fear and loathing, as i got home(after locking myself out of the apartment for an hour).

kinda upset because i need to meet someone(female) that i both respect and bond with, i miss having a girlfriend immensely. and its time to move on, its just tricky, i dont want to be a pig at all, and i honestly think im shy still and rather oblivious to the world(per usual.

i think im gong to make a ton of clothes this summer.

adderal is of the devil.

2600hz @ 2009-05-17T22:56:00

2009-05-18T03:16:41Z

So, i have a sleep study tommorow, for whateverthefuck is up with my sleep
i ended up not passing physics, which is a pretty big downer, due to the fact that the only reason for that ocuring was bombing the final, didnt pass calc 2 again either... i dont know what im going to do about that, hopefully i can just cram in enough credits to get by next semiester, take it once again and somehow get into the 3rd physics. and if im lucky/studious. get my gpa back up out of slackerland. i dont feel like im neccesarily unintelegent, i think that alot has happened this semiester that has affected me namley

death of grandfather
end of a 1.5 year relationship
adderall on and off dependant if i had the money to get it at the pharmacy
work
a general sense of malise and fatuige
not going home

not to say those are excuses, but its not like they make my performance in acedemia any better
(minus the adderall at the begining)

also( the lack of a female counterpart is a bit of a distraction(not to say having one wouldent be)

this whole adderall withdrawl is insanity though, i dont know if i want to kill others or myself, im sooo god damn angry and antsy and generalt tired.(im not going to off myself dont worrry... there are things yet to experence)

but this whole system things got me down... i want out i want to unnplug in a way. like in the matrix, get the fuck off that god damn grid, i dont watch tv anymore and i should stop listening to the radio.

keratakounus has progressed, i hope i dont have to get a cornea transplant, see the world though a dead mans eyes...

i also would like to have a bbq its going to be a sober one however, and if you read this your more than welcome to come when i decide to get my act together

im thinking
music-electronica/hardcore punk/ska (cam bring your vinyl)
open tables(if you knowwhat your doing-somewhat open)
Poi?
various meats/grapeleaves/hummus/veggie foods.
outside at my moms
possible afa games
No fucking movies for the love of christ!!!!!!!!!!!!! its gonna be a party not some tv fest(vommit)

possible other weirdness, art/paint/candi/candy

Sober, there will be lucid parents

keeping the vibes good(no being a douchebag, i will end you(and i can) if your off at all)

bring silly outside fun
and also possible kites?

Press F2 To Reset....

2009-05-05T01:15:53Z

As of my last post... its been confirmed, I am my own happiness Im enjoying that. Now in Ebonics:"Yo' foo You don kno Mea I Do wha't I waaant!' That jsut struck me feel free to ignore it BTW the octopus tattoo has become concrete, It has to happen now, It was meant to be. I have seen with two eyes Two,Sea,Eye the sea of joy Whats the deal with the fucking penguin?

THe church of non humanism

2009-04-30T22:13:42Z

Ive come to a realization that the ego id the pin in the mind of the machine that runs our lives, a nunnecssary evil, without the self we are yet but one. caring not about the future and no longer about the past we are content, we are now. thats it. this entire post is meaninless. we just accept what has been given, let us forget. let us start the church, the tribe, the society if you will.

rule 1. there are not rules, you live your live as you see fit.
2. though shalt not controll others.
though will question every facet of existence, from the most mundane to the mose absurd.
though will not tell others how to live their live.
though will wear color
though will not care of the outer appearance, it is but a shell.
though will not hate not become judgmental on others.
though shalt bater if neccesary.
things are worthless.
materials are worthless
lives are worthless.
we are all dying.
have fun
dont fret about the actions that occur
construction we know offf
life and death arent the begining nor the end, its only where the mouth meets the anus/ woumb, we shall be rekinndelled.

bleed the sould of the ego, bleed yourself of the grid.
do not wory, the happiest man is one without the concept of joy or sadness he just takes it as it comes.

Shit happens\\-- walk though hte grass , it will remove itself from your life, have no worries. it will find you and you will find it, llove is transient, and you can love without being loved, and you can see while being blind, just different states of seeing. the mind is but the screen on which hte pigments flow from the eyes that are the hoppers of pigment. meaning is a construction, we are all we have ever experenced, we have made every construction, therefore, we are everything and everything is us. within the construct we accepted.

close your eyes and wet your lips....s

2600hz @ 2009-04-29T15:35:00

2009-04-29T19:35:50Z

kill your ego today

2600hz @ 2009-04-29T11:18:00

2009-04-29T15:19:38Z

its gorgeous out!!!

I dont care anymore!!

sweet

hypnogogic halucinations

2009-04-28T20:19:25Z

sun gleams in though a balcony window.
photons striking small colonies of cytoplasmic sacks
it brings no warmth
love is just the pain that reminds us that we are human
its game over..... man

crush me please
i want you to make me feel hepless and weak
i want you to rip the ego from the shell
like a strong psychedelic
destroy me
desecrate me
rape me
make me weak

for in my broken state
my tendons can be the cables on the suspension bridge of your life.

kill me now.

Im falling now
ever so slightly i am collapsing
you might not see it
but i feel it
i would just like to sleep
but the table vines are consuming me
and the shadows are talking again.
melt me
make me a table.

2600hz @ 2009-04-28T10:55:00

2009-04-28T14:58:32Z

I like you for you, not the shell you come in. forget your suroundings nad elope with me, you can crush me however you like, and distroy me like an unwanted gift, just make me feel somthing.

A feeling

A memory

forget about it.

2600hz @ 2009-04-22T14:11:00

2009-04-22T18:21:10Z

So, just wait

and wait
and wait

i don't think i fucked up yet.

but theres the uncertainty of the human mind

worry

never worry

why worry

the uncertainty of the human mind

then worry

becuase love justs grows out of uncertain times

its just having faith
that everything will work out.
FUCK ORGANIC

2600hz @ 2009-04-22T12:39:00

2009-04-22T16:44:06Z

So im incredibly happy right now, yet somewhat anxious.
Ive found somone i care about... but i need to care less if that is coherent at all.

I totaly have a huge dorky crush right now, and i dont care if its going to hurt me later. it feels great now

2600hz @ 2009-04-22T11:34:00

2009-04-22T15:35:35Z

Well, in looking though my old posts, i was somewhat lazy in grammar...

im annoyed by that.

Painted highways, Text Message breakups, Piano rolls and Green Fairy

2009-04-20T16:59:51Z

So this weekend was interesting to say the least. Well it started on Friday really.
so on Friday i slept till like 3 and skipped classes because i was dead ass tired. then i went to work to pick up my check, that was nice but it ended up that i could not find my atm card at all and could not get to the bank so i had to wait till Saturday to get a card from my mom and go to the bank to deposit it. i was really tired though, mainly because its the end of the month and my tolerance to my medication builds up unless i stop for a few days. then i slept till like 11ish got up and got a cigar, and met some kids from U-mass amhearst/dartmouth/lowel. then i tried to go to bed but didnt untill 3 ish.

then on saturday i woke up at like 930-10 ish got dressed(Octopus fatuiges/orange bandana/florecent shirt/vans) went to get the atm card from my mom went to the bank, got some starbucks.

then i saw kim and jack for a bit, that was ok but their relationship is a little odd.... not that that is horrible or anything i just dont understand.

then me and tim howe? went to the EMA room and spun for a bit that went really well, im definitley getting better. we did a little production work also which was fun, i totaly need to get a midi controller.

Then i called jess about 3d playhouse, accedentaly called another jess... oh well. we were a bit freaked out because we couldent get presales, emily almost didnt go becuase of it, then we left jess got changed, we picked up emily and tim and headed on are way.

on our way tim brought a spliff and now i dont realy enjoy smoking that much, but occasionlay in social situations i get the feling that its not that big of a deal, it was, i was way too high, and so was emily, 95 was like a fucking painting, and i was pretty rffreaked out. but by the time we go to the party i was ok. emily really was not though, she smokes about as much as me and i dont smoke.. like seince highschool.

onward...

so we get to this place in conneticut, and its like this shitty grungy lasertag place, i mean it was nice but there was no ac and way too many people, plus in combination of low bloodpressure from thc/naturaly/amphetamines and the heat i felt like i was going to black out every 15 minutes.

after exploring the upstairs for a bit and seeing some kids i knew(sammi, pez, sin, soappy, steppo, fig ,shanny, and various other kids from the scene ) me and emily chilled over near a spider stomping game as steppo dropped some seriously nasty dubstep. we sat around for a bit and just kinda melted from the bass. emily wasnt doing verry well at all at that point, i felt really bad for her becuase i wanted her to come out and have fun, but she wasnt comfotable with her level of alteration and apparently her BF who is out in chicago was breaking ou with her, i dont really know the whole story but she was verry upset and i felt kinda shitty, becuase shes acctualy someone i think i care about, and personaly i think the guy made a mistake, a big one... but thats just my opinion.

So we just chilled for a while and i just tried to help her out with the situation, and tried to keep her happy as best i could but she kept saying that it all felt like some nightmare and she just wanted to wake up in her bed later. Which was not the case at all.

Then i guess this is where i feel kinda uncertain about the situation, weve been good freinds for a while now, and i feel like we click to a degree, and shes always been sorta at the back of my mind/option/ prolly would really enjoy spending time with her ... whatever.

im only bringing that up because While trying to cheer her up, i gave her a hug, and it kinda just led to us cuddling like all night... which i didnt mind realy but due to her circumstances i feel a bit odd about how it worked out that night.

but i guess you know shit happens, its like life and death(or in this case happiness and sadness) are just different states of being you just move from one to the next.

Oh and venom was ridiculous

I heard by far one of the sillies converstions in a while
A says"uhg the walls are moving again"
b says "..(it was somthing like i like potatos or somthing else like that") but it just made me giggle.

but anyway we basicly just sat around the whole night and shilled out and talked untill jess was ready to go at like 6 ish when we we decided to go. i got really tired but i couldent sleep and emily fell asleep on me in the back seat. and then we dropped her off at her house nad tim at his.

Basicly, i really enjoyed what happened(in the fact i got to spend time with someone i enjoy), but i felt bad and torn for her at the same time.
becuase i knew she really like the guy, and he did make her happy.

On this note several people have told me that emily isnt one to get attached to, but those are others judgments... and i really dont get that vibe from her.

so after that night we head back, jess crases on my floor till like 1 ish, we head up to hempfest, (which really kinda sucked....Well except for dan. got somthing to eat and a pack of ciggarettes, and then run into amy and alex and katie, go back up to there house for a bit for some odd reason, they smoked a bit and we headed back out to hempfest and then down back to my dorm so i could take my med's, called emily to see how she was doing and she sounded a bit positive, and it seemed like she was glad to talk. then we went to hempfest and then fine arts for a while with alex katie and then liz showed up. alex had made brownies and he and katie were extremley high, but it wast a bad thing. we played a word association game where we came up with words starting with two specific letters.

then we went to the gardens and alex liz and katie were really drunk, from rum and coke, i decided to abstain.

then after a while we went to alex/amys house and chilled out for a while, we had some absinthe, which i enjoy highly, although i didnt drink more than a glassfull or so (with water and sugar of course) . and chilled for a while, then around 10 emily called and we tried to get her to come up, but it was liz, she awas drunk so she wasnt verry persuasive. and the phone got passed around to alex and whomever else in the circle. then it came back to me and emily explained that the was really buisy and needed to study, which i totlay understood after the night before, that was another one of her major concerns that night. i totaly understood, and hoplfully came off as an ok guy, i told her that i might stop by and say hi later, i didnt end up getting out early enough though so i called her and she might have been sleeping. i need to go to bed earlier.

Then i just went to bed i was tired.

I think i just wanted to post because im a bit confused about the siuation... I just dont really want to fuck up anything, i dont think i did. we shall see what happens.